“Weird. My glass says ‘Will you marry me?’ Does yours say it too?” Nadia was staring at the bottom of her mug, previously filled with beer, and was reading the inscription on the bottom. “Oh, yours says it too. Weird. Wait. Are you proposing to me?” I have the most aloof girlfriend in the entire world.
The build-up to this moment had started over six months before. Like the sneaky detective that I am, I had already been probing on the styles of rings Nadia liked. I’d stolen her ring to try to size it, only to find out later that it “fit loosely”. “Well, what size do you wear?” I asked her. SHE DIDN’T KNOW. Have you ever tried to buy an engagement ring for someone who doesn’t even know their own ring size? Even though my work was clearly cut out for me, Nadia never suspected that I would be proposing on one of our vacations together.
Travel has had a deep impact on the lives of Nadia and I. Since we started dating, we’ve visited five countries together, as well as made our way around the US on several beautiful trips. It was only natural that our wanderlust, which had once dominated our lives independently, would become an important part of our journey together as a couple. As I started to think about places to propose to Nadia, one stood out more than the rest. Innsbruck, Austria.
I’d visited Innsbruck years ago while backpacking through Europe and visiting a classmate that lived there. It was gorgeous. I began searching for a photographer that might be able to capture this surprise moment in Austria, and that’s when it hit me. What if I can’t find a photographer that is comfortable photographing an LGBT+ proposal? Should I propose in public? What if people around me start expressing discomfort, will that ruin the moment? My search led me to Cat, an English photographer living in Innsbruck as an expat. I started writing an email and hoped for the best.
At the intersection of travel and identity, a tidal wave of complications exist. I had, many times, experienced complications with travel due to my socioeconomic status, being a woman, or because of my race. However, there is something incredibly jarring about planning to have such a vulnerable moment, such as a proposal, in a place that is relatively unfamiliar. The reality is, traveling while gay comes with an additional set of challenges that affects how people like Nadia and I navigate the world.
Cat never answered my question. Not directly, anyway. The response I got from her via email was even better. She said we were “such a frickin’ adorable couple” and she hoped to photograph our wedding in the future. I didn’t realize how important that validation was until I received it. Even though most Europeans are incredibly progressive, especially in comparison to the individuals I encounter at home, the reality is that many countries only recently legalized gay marriage. In addition, legalization does not change mindsets. Not immediately, at least. For this reason, even countries that have legalized gay marriage still struggle with how to integrate the LGBT+ community into a largely heteronormative culture.
Gay acceptance while traveling seems to work in layers. There are places Nadia and I simply cannot go. Being gay might be criminalized with harsh penalties, even death. No thanks. There are places where being gay is decriminalized, but still unsafe. Perhaps we will not arrest you or kill you, but also please stop being gay. Signed, our government. There are places in which individuals have some legal recognition. Perhaps there are some protections against discrimination, or even an acknowledgement of civil unions. And finally, there are progressive countries in which leaders are actively working to protect gay individuals and acknowledge who they are. I must be perfectly clear that no matter where I am, as a gay woman, I am never 100% safe. That is the world I exist in.
As you can imagine, this yielded a natural fear for me as I planned to propose in Innsbruck. Flash forward to “the day”. I was so incredibly nervous. Cat and I had to move the proposal up by an entire day due to weather issues, and we had to change the venue. I chose a bar that had a 360 degree view of Innsbruck. It was stunning, and a close second to the view that could be seen from the mountains. Cat had gone ahead of us and given the bartenders two mugs that had “Will you marry me?” engraved at the bottom. No matter what Nadia ordered, they were meant to put the drink in those mugs.
I then had to wait, for what seemed like one million years, for Nadia to finish her drink. She talked about everything under the sun. I feel like the range of topics discussed could be itemized and re-expanded into an encyclopedia series. And finally… “Weird. My glass says ‘Will you marry me?’ Does yours say it too?” Everything happened so quickly. And, she said yes! To my relief, there was no awkwardness from the surrounding guests. Largely, I think, because they probably spoke German and could not understand what was going on. When I think about my journey to proposing to Nadia, I am so happy that it had a happy ending. However, I can’t help but imagine that this is only beginning of a long list of experiences that might incite worry in me.
Even small things, like whether I should change my last name, will impact how we travel in the future. While my personal belief is that a woman should have whatever last name she chooses, gay couples aren’t always allowed such freedom. It is incredibly common for heteronormative families to have individuals with several different last names that are still acknowledged as one family unit. However, it is harder to prove you are a family when society doesn’t acknowledge that you count as a family. Therefore, I am always inclined to think about my safety and being able to immediately be acknowledged as some sort of family unit by ensuring both Nadia and I, as well as our future children, have the same last name.
I think about how I will explain my relation to Nadia at customs counters across the world, especially in countries where our marriage isn’t recognized. Or how I might explain our relation to our future children when they travel with us. We will endure every road to acceptance as the world continues to decide how gay populations will be re-integrated as valid members of our communities. We will also continue to be held accountable as a representation of all gay people in how we uphold ourselves as we navigate the world.
Despite all of these worries, I am hopeful for the future. I am excited to begin a new chapter of my life with an amazing partner-in-crime that is ready to see the world. I know that at the end of the day Nadia and I desire to only add good into the world, and I hope that is what others see. The only question left for Nadia to answer is, where are we going next?
Photo Credit(s): Cat Ekkelbloom-White (Photographer for Localgrapher). Check out more of her work here: Wild Connections Photography.